The Giraffe Effect (part 3 of 4)

The Giraffe Effect (part 3 of 4)
Feb 11, 2010


Here's the way I figure it must have happened. Some point along the way, I must have said “bless you” after someone sneezed in public. Then they told somebody I was deeply religious. That person must have advertised the depth of my Christian values because almost daily, I receive prayer emails. I get a veritable plethora of Bible referenced passages and online documentation of how my soul will be saved only if I forward this message to at least 10 people.


You must admit that those emails are kind of weird. I have a hard time believing that Big Daddy up There has a T1 connection. I just don’t feel a need to bcc God. Sorry.


Let’s make matters a little worse. Apparently (no, obviously), at some point(s), I've had a positive reaction in front of other people involving a woman’s bare breast or the appealing nature of her body (sneaking a peak), because almost daily I receive nudie pictures in my inbox. And it’s not generally the classy WW2 calendar girl type either. It’s more of a Dom Perignon slash Louisville Slugger kind of gal-asaurus. Most are jokes. Usually, they involve a play on words. Some have wording about a camel’s foot and after scrolling to the bottom it reveals a close up pic of a woman’s private area in some really tight jogging pants or something. You get the idea.


Sometimes it’s a weight joke about how the female Rothlisberger fans must be large women compared to Romo fans in order for all the letters of his name to fit on the back side of their panties. Or how Ray Charles could go to California following the roadmap on those spider veins. You get the idea.


And I’m sure we’ve all seen Bob and the “little blue pill” jokes about the man at the doctor’s office asking about male enhancement.


That’s all well and good. Most of it is quite entertaining in an “I sure do hope nobody’s looking” kind of way.


However, the part out of all of this that blows my mind is when the same person sends me both religious emails and dirty jokes/porn. For example, I will get an email quoting the Bible and within minutes I’m getting another email from that same person showing me the up close and personals of a hairy broad that looks mostly like a cross between J. Edgar Hoover and Ernest Borgnine. I know for a fact that I’ve never had a conversation about church and ugly girls with big naturals. So what makes it ok in email? And what makes it ok, especially since we’ve only recently met. I’m just asking.


Please keep in mind… none of this offends me at all. That’s not the point. Again, I’m no prude. I just think it’s odd. What naughty school girls do during Spring Break when they are a thousand miles away from momma and daddy is their own business. I'm just paying for cable. I'm not making the movie.


So that’s not what I’m getting to at all. In fact, I think it’s hilarious. But unfortunately, I’m not laughing at the emails I get. (And I get a ton.) I’m laughing at the sender.


Think about it. I’m picturing the guy on the other end of the interwebs saying to himself “I know who’s going to have to see this!” And that person that's got to see it turns out to be me. Very strange that I always come to mind in this situation. Maybe it's some sort of oddball, weird, 21st century, single guy compliment.


(to be concluded…)