Buffalo Nickels

Buffalo Nickels
Dec 29, 2009

Life is full of things that fascinate me. Not so much the shiny or sparkly things we see from time to time, but instead, the things that aren’t seen by so many others. That fascination being in the “Webster’s #2” sort of way, yet still not devoid of #1.

–verb (used with object
1. to attract and hold attentively by a unique power, personal charm, unusual nature, or some other special quality; enthrall: a vivacity that fascinated the audience.
2. to arouse the interest or curiosity of; allure.

Most of the time it merely takes an instance of sillyness and I’m texting away to share the latest and greatest in today’s humor. My friends and I keep a list of “Schmidtlisms”, or malaprops as society calls them. For those of you that aren’t in arms reach of a dictionary, a malaprop, or Schmidtlism, as I call them, is a misapplication of words that, for the most part, can and will usually go unnoticed. Key words being “usually” and “unnoticed.” My perception is that it should probably read “usually” or “never noticed.”

But that’s just my opinion.

Maintaining a list of Schmidtlisms can take quite a bit of the monotony out of a stressful day.

It’s not uncommon for a phrase like “I saw her in my pervicular vision” to make the list. Or “She had a 3 carat diamond embezzled ring.”

You get the idea.

In my 10+ years of collecting Shmidtlisms, I’ve heard some great ones. I love them. They’re better than any joke you can tell because they’re real. Things that are real have more meaning. I know that Boudreax and Thibodeaux jokes are not real. I know that, although he could be my child, Little Johnny jokes aren’t real either. But Schmidtlisms are real. It’s a little like seeing a car accident on television. You may say to your self “huh” or “wow” or “ouch.” But if you witness an accident first hand, you can’t help but be shocked. You might rubberneck. You may even wreck your own vehicle from being distracted and not paying attention. That’s not because it’s good. No. It’s because it’s real.

So my buddy called me up today with something he thought was worthy of saving for posterity. It’s not a joke. It’s not anything that has a punch line. It’s more of a story than anything else. And it’s real.

My buddy asked me if, in addition to Schmidtlisms, if I also kept a list of reasons people use when they call in sick or can’t make it to work on time.

And, of course, I do.

Although, there aren’t that many of those. In fact, there aren’t very many at all.

Thinking back… Mutzie’s was probably the funniest. Mutzie called in one day, years ago. Apparently our boss at the time expected this one to be great. Afterall, Mutzie was, at the time, “in between” comedy gigs and working with us instead of doing his normal comedy shows. So our boss put the call on speaker and told Mutzie to speak up. Mutzie said in an unusually jovial voice, “I won’t be coming in today… be… cause… I’m sick! Yes, that’s what I am. I’m SICK! I’m verrrrry… SICK!” Our boss says, “you don’t sound very sick to me.” And Mutzie says “well I just got through fucking my sister! Is THAT sick enough for you?! Mister?!”

OMG! No… he… deh… unt….

But he did.

That was about the most inappropriate comment that could possibly have been made at that moment. The fact that it was on speakerphone just made it even more inappropriate. But I have to tell you. It got a laugh. In fact, it got several. And that little incident was the first to make the “Call-In List.”

The second one was when this guy called-in and said he couldn’t make it to work on time that day because at that very moment he was stuck in a long line down at the DMV trying to get his car tag renewed. He must not have thought this one through though, because the DMV is open Monday through Friday. And you guessed it. This was a Saturday. Once the boss notified him that it was Saturday, he immediately conceded and said “well, you got me.”

Today’s Call-In story is a bit more elaborate. But it’s worth it. It begins with my friend getting the call from a carpenter that works for him. This carpenter is described as a $6 an hour worker that won’t get out of bed for less than $15. So you can see that he doesn’t get much work.

This guy calls in and says that he can’t come in on time today because he’s got to go down to the post office and get a second PO Box.

Not that it really matters, but my friend asks, “So why do you need a second PO Box?”

“Because they won’t deliver but 5 gold coins to each address. So I have to have two addresses.”

Oh, yeah. And it gets better.

“Gold coins?” he asks. Now he’s intrigued

“Oh, I figured you’d already heard about them. I saw an ad on the TV that said they’ve got these gold buffalo coins. They are normally $50 a piece, but they’ll sell me 5 of them for $19.95 a piece. But that’s the most I can get. I can only order 5 to one address. So what I’m gonna do is, I’m gonna beat their system. I’m gonna get a second PO Box and order 5 to two different addresses. That way, when they come in, I’ll go down to the bank and exchange them for $50 dollars cash a piece. It’s a great deal! You should get in on it.”

I’m not believing my ears as my friend is telling me this. What makes it even better is that I’m picturing the look on my buddy’s face when this mathematically inclined financial genius is verbally vomiting his stupidity across the phone lines.

(Cell towers, rather. Who has a phone line anymore?)

Immediately, I go and Google “$50, gold, buffalo, coins” to see what this guy is talking about. Sure enough. The website is www.50dollarbuffalo.com. And it’s obviously geared to the slow thinkers of our generation. This website looks like a cross between the “Prayer Cross”, the “Snuggie” and the “Obama Plate.”

First of all, these are not gold. They are “clad in gold.” Which is the new way of saying “gold plated.” Second, they aren’t even coins. They are fake coins. You can’t spend them. You can trade them. You can maybe sell them (to an unsuspecting person that’s gotta be just a little bit stupider than this guy). Or you could throw them in a fountain and wish for $50. You could even skip them across a pond and probably get more enjoyment than you’ll ever get in cash for these little jewels. They’re lead, with a shiny finish. They are practically $20 paper weights.

Eventually, I saw the ad on TV. The TV ad really plays on the stupidity of the viewer. They actually show what they call “gold coin blanks” rolling off the conveyor belt. Gold coin blanks? Come on. There’s no such thing as a gold coin blank. It’s not like the people at the mint actually “strike” these bad boys into shape.

To make it even worse, the TV ad shows the infamous gold clad coin. And for this one, you don’t even have to look closely. It’s right there on the screen. It’s even enlarged! In plain sight on the indian’s pony-tail are the letters C O P Y. Yes, the word “copy” is stated directly on the coin. They don’t even try to cover it up! It’s great! How absolutely stupid do you have to be, not to see this?

This idiot is gonna deserve exactly what he gets.

Besides, this guy is SOLD! Do you hear me? He is convinced that this is an investment in his future! These are not even actual coins for crying out loud. What if this poor guy goes down to the bank? What could happen? The best that could happen is he gets laughed at. The worst that could happen is that he gets arrested for trying to defraud a bank teller. Probably 60 days in “the County” for that one… just sayin’.

So by this time, my friend is obviously having a hard time holding back his laughter. He begins to agree with this guy. “Yep. That sounds like a good one to me. So, do you think the bank will just do that for you like that?”

“They have to. It says right here “$50 dollar value.”

“Well in that case, maybe you should use my address too and get yourself 15 of them.”

I’m so glad that this didn’t happen face-to-face. My buddy would never have been able to hold back his laughter.

Just as I’m having trouble holding back mine.

Oh, my… Oh my… The world needs stupid people. In fact, my hats are off to the folks that are running that scam. Here’s why. We called them up to ask if they realized that you can see “COPY” in plain site on the commercial. (That’s a lie. We actually called them up just to jack with them.) Guess what? There’s no human contact at all when you order. It’s all on a phone tree. Totally automated. I guess, that way there’s no way you can sue because “someone told me it’s real” or “they said it was real.” Hell, it says “COPY” right there in plain site.

Caveat emptor.

Just sayin…