Dentist

Ok, I’m a little bent out of shape about this.

Dealing with the public is one thing. It’s understood. A necessary evil. You kind of need to know what you are getting into and just accept it.

But why is dealing with a business so hard? They are a business.

Today, I needed to call and schedule my daughter for a regular dental cleaning.

She has a dentist. Her dentist is local. She has used this dentist for quite some time.

Easy right?

Here’s the phone call:

“Hello, Dr. (name left blank to protect the guilty)’s office.”

“Yes, who am I speaking with please?”

“This is (her foreign accent was SO strong, I really couldn’t make out the name-but that’s not the problem anyway… keep going). Can I help you?”

“Yes, this is (I gave my first and last name), I’d like to schedule a cleaning for my daughter (and I gave her name, first and last).”

“What’s your daughter’s name, please?”

Ok, anyone can miss something. No prob.

“Her name is (gave her first and last again).”

“What will she be having done?”

I’m thinking… didn’t you just pull her account up?

“Ok, here she is. How old is she?”

Didn’t she just pull her file up?

“She is 8.”

“Ok, I see. Thank you very much sir.”

I feel like I’m on the line with tech support.

“I believe my daughter is due a cleaning.”

“Let me just verify your contact information. Is your number _______?”

… in Bangladesh.

“No, that’s her mother’s number. Let me give you my cell.”
“Ok, let me delete the other number.”

“No! Don’t delete the other number. Just let me give you my cell in addition to hers.”

“Ok, what is your number?”

“It’s _______.”

“Is that a cell phone.”

Didn’t I just say 'Let me give you my cell'?

“Yes, it’s my cell.”

“Do you have a home number?”

Does anyone still have a home number in this country?

“No.”

“Do you have an alternate number?”

Surely Candid Camera is not back, right?

“Mam, I AM the alternate number. I’m the extra number, just in case her mother doesn’t answer.”

“Ok, thank you very much. Let’s begin now. OH! It did not save. Can you please give me your number again?”

I think I’m stuck in a dream. And I’m playing the part of Larry David at the Circle K.

“Sure you can. It’s _________.”

“Ok sir, how can I help you?”

Déjà vu all over again.

“I need to schedule a cleaning for my daughter.”

“What’s her name?”

“The one you just pulled up.”

“Oh, ok. I see here she was scheduled a cleaning on the 24th.”

“Yes, I understand that she may have had something scheduled when she was with her mom. However, because she missed that appointment, I need to reschedule one now.”

“And when would she like to come in?”

Alright. Making headway.

“I’d like to get a ‘window of time’ from you and I will call back to confirm after I’ve scheduled who can bring her by.”

“Well, YOUwill have to bring her by.”

“Excuse me? I have to bring her by?”

“Yes sir, you have to bring her by.”

“But I’ve never HAD to bring her by before. I bring her. Her mom brings her. Her step-mom brings her. This time I need her grandmother to bring her.”

“Oh, no sir. You have to bring her by. It must be a parent.”
Emphasis on the word ‘parent’.

“What about a step-parent? That wouldn’t work?”

“No sir. It must be a parent.”

“Well this just changes everything. I don’t know what to say. I will have to see when her mother (who’s a school teacher) or when I (I work until 7pm daily) can take a day off work and come by to have our daughter’s teeth cleaned. Are you sure that she has to have a PARENT there for a cleaning? A grandmother or step-mom won’t work?”

“Oh, no sir. It must be a parent.”

“Ok, then. This really surprises me. I’ll have to call back.”

“Would you like me to set a temporary appointment for you now?”

Are you kidding me?

“Mam, I’m sorry if I didn’t make it clear earlier. But I am not prepared to make an appointment that I have to commit myself or her mother to at this time because of our work schedule.”

“Ok sir. Can I help you with anything else today?”

Anything else? Wouldn’t you have had to have helped me with ‘something’ in order to be eligible to help me with ‘anything else’ at this point?

“No, you can't. Thanks anyway.”

I hang up.

As I lay the phone down, I think that maybe I should have at least gotten the ‘window’ of availability so that I could plan the proper day off of work.

I call back.

“Hello, Dr. _______’s office.”

“Who am I speaking with please?”

“This is (different name this time, but still left blank to protect the guilty).”

“Yes, this is (gave my full name, first and last). I just called about one minute ago and spoke to a young lady and I didn’t get her name. However, I need to ask a question about scheduling an appointment for my daughter, (first and last).”

“Now, what’s your daughter’s name?”

Even though I’m on the phone, I just turn my head and look away for a moment.

“Her name is (first and last). We need a cleaning.”

“Ok sir, if I could just verify your contact information.”

My voice is now monotone.

“Mam, I just verified all the contact information less than a minute ago. I just have a question about scheduling the cleaning appointment.”

“Ok sir. Thank you. But it is necessary that we verify the contact information just in case anything has changed since you last called.”

“It was less than a minute ago!”

“… or if it was entered incorrectly.”

“My number is ________. Is that a cell phone or a home phone?”

“Cell.”

“Do you have a home phone?”

“No.”

"How old is your daughter?"

"The same age as the one on your screen."

"So how old is your daughter, sir?"

"Eight."

“Ok sir. What will she be having done?”

“Just a cleaning.”

“When would you like to schedule the appointment?”

“That’s what I’m calling about. I’d like to get a ‘window’ of times that are open so that I can schedule her mom or myself to take time off from work to bring her by since her grandmother can’t bring her by.”

“Yes sir, that’s our policy.”

“Is that a new policy.”

“No sir, it’s always been that way.”
“Then how come her grandmother and step-mom have been able to bring her by in the past for cleanings?”

“Well for a cleaning it may be ok.”

“‘May be ok’? I’ve said it was a cleaning the entire time on both calls. It’s a cleaning. Why wouldn’t it be ok?”

“Sir, if there’s any work that needs to be done, then we need someone here that is qualified to sign for it and arrange payment.”

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME!???”

“Sir?”

“I am trying to schedule a CLEANING! There is no WORK being done on a CLEANING! If you start cleaning her teeth and work needs to be done, then you call me and I will close my place of business and personally come down there and sign anything that you need signed and pay for anything that you need paid for, but in the meantime, my baby needs her teeth cleaned. Can’t you just work something out with me for her grandmother or her step-mom to help me out in getting her there for that? Can you? Is that something we can handle here?”

“Well, on a cleaning that would be ok. We just don’t want siblings bringing by children that need work done.”

“Who said anything about siblings? I said her step-mom. I said her grandmother. And I said a cleaning. Nobody said anything about siblings bringing her and work having to be done. Do YOU have any idea how disappointed I am in the way this telephone experience is going right now? This is ridiculous that it’s not being explained from your office any better than it is. I’m explaining everything on my end. I’m wasting the better part of a half hour now for something that is completely unnecessary. I’m going to hang up now. And when I’ve calmed down a little, I’m going to call back.”

I text her mom because she is in a meeting and cannot give or receive phone calls.

I just give her the “baby”. I try to do so without giving her all the “labor pains” also. I text her the gist of it all and wait. I’m sure she understands. She is in the top 2 of all the people that know me best.

A little time passes. Maybe 10 minutes… tops.

No sign her mom got the message. Meeting is probably still going on.

I call back.

“Hello, Dr. ______________’s office.”

Different voice, again.

“Yes, who am I speaking with, please?”

“This is ________ (still not out of this one just yet). How may I help you?”

She’s chipper. Sounds like a local. But I’m still not excited.

“Yes mam (monotone). My name is (full name again), I need to get some help in scheduling a cleaning for my daughter (full name) this week.”

“Ok sir, have we verified your information recently?”

Huh...

“Why, YES you have. Thank you for asking.”

Wow.

"And your daughter is eight, correct?"

"Yes! Yes she is!"

This is going well.

“Ok, Mr.___________. We had ___________ scheduled for July 24th, but she didn’t make it. Is that the one you’d like to reschedule?”

Shocked and amazed.

“YES! It is!”

“Do you have a preference on what day you can bring her?”

“Can her grandmother or her step-mom?”

“For a routine cleaning, yes sir. Do you have a preference which day?”

Holy-moly.

“I’d prefer any day after 5pm.”

“Which days are available?”

“Which day would you like?”

“I’d like Monday.”

“We don’t have Monday available.”

“Well, which day do you have?”

“Which day would you like?”

“I’d like Tuesday.”

Short pause.

“I’m sorry sir, we don’t have Tuesday after 5pm available.”
Here we go again.

“How about you tell me what day is available after 5pm.”
“I have the 12th at 5pm.”

"But that's 2 weeks away. Is there anytime any sooner? School starts Wednesday."

"I have Wednesday at 2pm."

"But school starts on Wednesday. I can't take her out early on the first day of school."

"Well, how about Thursday at 2pm?"

We're steadily going downhill now.

"I'm sorry. Maybe I wasn't clear earlier. She... starts... school... on... Wednesday!"

"Ok sir. Then will Thursday at 2pm be ok?"

Dead silence.

5-10 seconds.

"No. I'll just take the 12th. Two weeks away. That's fine. We'll just wait. That's fine. That's fine. Just give me the 12th."

"Ok sir. I have you down for the 12th. Is there anything else I can do for you today?"

"Oh, no. No, mam. Nothing else for me. You've done more than enough. Thanks."

Then I ask just one more time.

"Are you SURE there is nothing this week? Monday or Tuesday?"

"No sir. The soonest we ANY opening is the 12th."

"Ok. Thanks. Goodbye."

I call my wife.

"Can you believe...." (Fill in whatever you want to right here. It's probably quite accurate.)

Now... my wife... is disgustingly polite. She is a kind and gentle soul that borderlines on making me puke most of the time. 'Oh, no , thank YOU!' is not far from her over zealous vocabulary. Kindness makes her happy. (It makes ME sick is what it does.)

So my wife says "Well, how about if I call?"

"Baby, it's no use. I was on the phone with three different receptionists at three different times. I was on the phone for over 45 minutes. I'm telling you, it's all they've got. It's on the 12th. It's two weeks away. No big deal."

It is a big deal. But I would never admit it. I'll just moan and groan. It's MY way.

"You just don't worry about it. I will handle it for you." She says.

She's totally not understanding me. I've ALREADY CALLED! It's done!

"I will just go ahead and confirm that that is correct." She tells me.

The nerve she's got. I am the man here! Dammit! I handled it. I'm not going to get her involved. That would be weak on my part. Forget THAT! NO!

It's my turn to talk now. I say "Ok, baby. If you want to."

30 seconds pass.

She texts me "It's just a cleaning right?"

I'm thinking that those morons are giving her the runaround too. Why won't she just listen to me? That's what she gets. Should'a listened to me. Saved some time. I tried to tell her.

I text her back "yes".

30 more seconds pass... if that.

She texts "it's done".

I text "what's done?"

She texts "I'm taking her Monday at 5pm".

I can't text this.

I hit speed dial.

"What do you mean? This coming Monday at 5pm?!? They said they couldn't do that! There were no spots open!"

"Well I got it."

She's so calm.

"I was on the phone there for over half an hour!"

"Well I am taking her Monday at 5pm."

So calm. Burns me up.

"Ok then."

I guess I will just have to accept it. She must've just called RIGHT AFTER they got a cancellation. That's the ONLY explaination.

I suck it up.

"Well, now that we have it this coming Monday, maybe I should call and cancel the one on the 12th."

"NO! I will cancel it that day when we go there. I don't want you to call and mess anything up."

The freaking nerve of that broad. I mean, I love her and all, but what would it mess up? I really think I can cancel a dental appointment without messing anything up. Sheesh! I cannot believe she said that.

"Alright baby. Thanks for taking care of that. Loveyoubye." One word. Click.

Now. I don't want those fools calling me and reminding me to take her AGAIN on the 12th too. What if she forgets to cancel? I should probably go ahead and call them and cancel the one for the 12th. Somebody else may need that spot.

"Hello, Dr. (guilty)'s office."

"Who am I speaking with please?"

"This is __________________." Random receptionist #4. Go figure.

"Yes, this is (first and last) we inadvertently double scheduled my daughter (first and last). Once on Monday and again on the 12th. I'd like to cancel the one for the 12th."

"Ok, I see it right here, sir. We've got you cancelled. Thanks for calling. We will see you on the 12th."

Click.

"WAIT!!!"

It's too late... OMG! What have I done? My jaw drops. I'm frozen in time and space. I look like Ed Rooney when he grumbles "Bee-yooolerrrrr!"

I'm fumbling the phone.

I hit the green button twice. Somehow the little thingy went to the second number down and I'm dialing my wife by accident.

"Hello...?"

Click.

Oh, no. I just hung up on my wife.

I hit the green button again, this time with a little more accuracy before hitting it the second.

"Hello, Dr. (I sure hope they can fix this)'s office."

"You just cancelled the wrong appointment! Are you the one I just spoke to? I can't cancel that appointment. I need it back."

"What's your name, please?"

"It's (first and last), but the appointment is for my daughter (first and last)."

"I've got you down for the 12th, sir."

"But I'm supposed to have Monday!"

"No sir, I just talked to you about 10 minutes ago and we went through this. I have you down for the 12th. It's right here on the screen."

"I understand it may be on the screen, but my wife just called and talked to someone there and she made an appointment for Monday."

"But YOU called and cancelled that one. You have an appointment for the 12th."

"But I want the one for Monday back."

Pause.

"I'm sorry sir, but its been taken."

"It was less than one minute ago! What do you mean its been taken?"

"Its been taken. We have a waiting list sir. It's gone. We can still see you on the 12th though."

"But we don't want to come on the 12th."

"Ok sir. We'll cancel that one too. You can call back when you want to reschedule."

Click.

If there were background music right now it would be going... "da da daaaaaa, duh duh duu duuuuuh".

Caller I.D. pops up.

Wife's pic.

"Hello?"

"Did you just call me?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Did you just hang up on me?"

"I didn't mean to."

"What's wrong?"

"Wrong? Nothing's wrong. Can you do me another favor?"

"Sure baby, what do you need?"

She's so nice and polite to me. I really love her.

"Can you call the dentist's office back? I seem to have confused them and now there's a problem with the appointment."

A faint sigh.

"Yes, I can. I will handle it."

And she did.

My daughter will be having her cleaning in 4 weeks on the 26th?